I’m going through a musical slump. It’s not that I don’t have the energy to create – I’ve been through that before – it’s that listening to music doesn’t seem to bring me joy anymore.
I’ve never been through anything like this. I should be terrified of losing one of my dearest passions, but instead, all I feel is a deadened sensation. I’ve had this unpleasant feeling for a while now, and I don’t know how to get rid of it. Is it stress? Is it something physical – an oncoming illness, perhaps? Whatever it is, I don’t want it. I want to go back to my previous, familiar state of emotional sensitivity, when even the smallest artistic pleasures could delight me.
Perhaps it’s simply a part of getting older. I don’t know a lot of old people who still maintain the enthusiastic perspective that’s common among the younger generation. Or do I need a change of scenery? I’ve been living in the city for many years now, and while it offers me access to a wide variety of art, it is undeniably grey and polluted – especially since I live in Seoul. It might be time for a holiday.
Looking back on my lack of productiveness over the past few months, I’m deeply embarrassed of my flightiness. When I was a passive consumer of art, I used to sigh at how lazy artists seem to be, at how often they go on breaks and experience slumps. How ironic that I should end up becoming just like them! I tell myself that I’m simply going through a bad time, and it’s a true, if overused, excuse. I like very few things in my life right now; in fact, I can’t think of many non-art things that have made me happy over the past few years. My life has been made of art and little else.
Something has to change. I don’t want to go on like this forever.